Truth or Dare
by Noel Rosarys Lake
Summary: Title says it all. Come on in, leave a dare or two, and then watch zelda characters get smacked around, or whatnot.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, I've wanted to do this forever, but haven't had the chance. I'm finally starting my truth or dare fic. Legend of Zelda.

Triss: Hey everyone. I'm a character from one of BSE's unpublished/unfinished fic's. Names Tris J. Hescus. I'm his voice of reason in a physical form.

Fangirls: *swoon*

Shut it, Triss. Go fetch me something to drink.

Triss: Make me.

Fine. AUTHOR POWERS! *zaps Triss, and he goes off and fetches me a monster* Good boy.

Triss: I…fucking…hate…you…and...kbb too…for those fucking…powers you stole..

Yeah, Keybladeboy, I need to thank you for these powers. They're great. Also, why didn't you tell me they came with a free slushie? I would've done this a lot sooner if you told me! Anyways, folks, just leave a few truths or dares, and we'll become insanity. Only one thing. *goes from looking happy to looking evil* No. Fucking. Yaoi. At least for me, anyways. And I'm going to get this out of the way right now, I don't own anything. Except Triss, and several other things. Zelda belongs exclusively to Nintendo, and author powers belong exclusively to keybladeboy. Check out his ToD story, too. Gave me the idea.


	2. Chapter 2

*fire rains from the skies of Hyrule, smashing into random houses and trees*

Random townperson-OH GOD, GANONDORFS BACK!!!!

Nope. *snaps fingers, townsperson explodes* I'm worse than that giant piggy. Now, go my minions, find the cast! *shadows fly away and steal the characters from Zelda*

(Back at the studio)

Everyone: What the hell is going on!

I own you. Simple as that. And I'm having fun with it, so I'm using fanfiction to let people have fun with it too.

Link: Fanfict-FUCK! *attempts to run out of studio, turrets outside shoot at him*

Running is useless, oh, and all magic, unless permitted by me, is nullified here. Sucks for you guys. Now, first set of dares. Triss, the letter please.

Triss: *opens letter*

_

_FIRST REVIEW! Anyways, here my truths and dares:_

Zelda: deal with Nazi for 5 chapters, in the way that you do anything she  
wants. Anything.

Link: Get owned. I don't care how, just make it epic.

Everyone: The first person to own link will get a cookie. A bigger one if its  
epic, but I will be the judge of the epicness.

Nazi: Is it true that you wear nothing but a sombrero under that light? ( You  
KNOW what I'm referencing!)

Triss: Fight me while I'm on at least five different frugs, at least 4  
enhancing(not in a perverted way, either)

All in the building(better then saying 'everyone' again...): fight off Nazi  
zombies, however no one will get anything close to author powers... unless...  
no, nobody could do THAT well... maybe they MIGHT be lucky enough to get a  
Wunderwaff DG-2, but that's like a 5% chance. Did i mention no author powers  
to help them?

_-The torturer_

_

I'm going to assume 'Nazi' is Navi. And I'm just going to lock them in a closet.

Zelda: No way. NO FUCKING WAY am I getting in a closet with THAT!

*boots the two of them into a closet*

~five days later~

*opens closet, a corpse in zelda's clothing is sitting there, Navi still talking*

Well, I know I'm not going to try that…Navi, you know she's dead, right?

Navi: I know. I killed her. Sprinkled arsenic at her. She was being a bitch.

…Jesus mother fucking Christ…I'm starting to like you…

Link: *Reads dare* …uh, what does get owned mea-*megaton hammer gets slammed down on his head, his flesh exploding off his body, but his bones still intact*

Dark Link: There. Now, do I get a cookie?

Uh, of course! But not until next chapter…*revives Link*

Navi: No, I don't wear anything under this light.

Link: Wait, you mean you were naked under my hat?

Navi: *seductive voice* Not just naked, big boy*

Link: O_O

*is rolling on the floor laughing*

Triss: *kicks me* Get up, this isn't fucking Eddie Izzard, Damnit. And no, Vincent, BSE's preferred name, does not include actual people in this comic unless they are co-authoring. And he isn't currently accepting co-authoring. At least not from you.

Damn skippy. *yells to everyone* Alright bitches, it's time to gear up! We're going into the heart of Zombie-Germany! We've got a dare to see how long you pussies can last against an infinite horde of the undead. *portal opens up under everyone but me and Triss, they fall through into a building*

(fifty five rounds later)

Ganondorf: God Damnit Link, do you think you could shoot any slower?! *cleaves another zombies head off with oversized sword*

Link:*reloads trench gun* I fucking lost my double tap, dammit, I CAN'T fire any faster! *blasts a zombie's face off*

*everyone is currently owning the shit out of the zombies*

Hmm…this is too easy for them…I know! *conjures up a dark portal*

?: *cigarette smoke is coming out of the portal, a woman crying, grunting, growling and gurgling too*

Kaepora Gaebora:*O_O* I know those sounds, hoot….those are…

*four Boomers, five Smokers, six Hunters, twelve Witches, and two Tanks run out of the portal*

Everyone: SHIT!

Link: *shoots a smoker's tongue, but gets jumped by a hunter*

Malon: *tries to shoot hunter off of link, but gets kicked into the ceiling by a Tank*

Everyone: *just basicly gets pwned by everything…except for navi, she was hiding inside of a box*

*throws satchel charge at the box Navi's hiding in* Hey Navi, games over, you can come out now.

Navi: *flies out* Yay! *sees satchel charge* …fuck *explodes*

And now that that's all done…*revives everyone*

Link, open up the next set of dares.

_*standing a lot like aryll* Hoi! can you please be nice? author powers are a  
bit mean... just think of a really, really, really bad punishment! like, since  
you hate it, a three hour long yaoi video! (check out Legendary Truth or  
Dare.) and, I have a few dares! yay pairings! ^O^_

Dares:

ST link: ask out ST zelda! (spirit tracks. HE BLUSHES LIKE 24/7 AROUND HER...  
and the end is SO CUTE!)  
TP link: ask out midna! (must i refer to the end?)  
OoT link: say ur favorite girl character out loud!  
Ruto: Get eaten by morpheus, pooped out, then eaten by giant monster ganon,  
thrown up, then squashed by the spirit train ten times in a row!  
OoT link: chop her in to pieces. after dare! YAY! ruto go bye bye!  
dark link: say ur favorite girl out loud!

Truth:

Green: DO U LIKE ZELDA??!!  
Blue: who do u like the most?  
Red: same as blue  
Vio: do u REALLY think ur name is too simple? i think it's cute!

Dares:

WW link: ask out tetra!  
tetra: eat a hyoi pear and see what happens!  
WW link: eat pig bait and see what happens!  
Triss: try to resist author powers!  
Fangirls: dont swoon!  
BSE: is it okay i call u that? newway, here is ur dare! dont use ur author  
powers for a chapter! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! (quote) Well it's either that, or The  
Punishment. Which do you prefer? (Articuno from Legendary Truth or Dare)  
(quote) I hate my life! (Zapdos from Legendary Truth or Dare)  
Aryll: ZOMG UR AWESOMENESS! u get to choose a treasure from tetra's stash!  
and, pop a hyoi pear on BSE's head!  
BSE: promise to write out any battle sequences! Aryll must take list from you  
until u promise to do so!  
OoT Link and WW Ganondorf: BATTLE FOR THE AGES!  
TP fangirls 1,2,3: SWOON OVER ZANT AND GANONDORF!  
zant: cry like a baby in front of midna and zelda.  
Zelda: slap him till he begs for mercy!  
Midna: blast him till he begs to stay alive!  
Zelda+Midna: EXPOSE HIM TO THE LIGHT SPIRITS, THEN SEND HIM TO THE SACRED  
REALM TO DIE!!

all done! *plays with aryll's seagulls*

Mother fucker! Over a page on MS-word! Well, most of these, die. Mainly because I don't play Spirit Tracks. And no game-specifics, unless it's WW, or TP. Otherwise, it's the same link.

Link: I don't like Midna! She tried to rape me!

Midna: Oh quit your bitching, you know you liked it.

Link: I AM NOT AN ANIME SCHOOLGIRL, I DO NOT LIKE GETTING RAPED BY TENTACLES!!!!!!

Tentacles? Jesus, Midna, I knew you were fucked up, but god.

Link: Um…favorite?...I don't really have a favorite…

Women: *glaring at link*

Link: But!...If I'd have to choose…I'd have to say…Malon. She's a lot easier to get along with, and I can kinda relate with her.

Every girl but Malon: *charges at Malon with random assortment of weapons*

Malon: *runs away*

Saw it coming. Also, skipping a lot of these.

Triss: It's impossible to resist author powers. Kbb perfected them so that they are mightier than the force, ninjutsu, AND the triforce combined.

Yeah, now I only wish it worked in real life. Not checking what "The punishment" is.

_Hehe, welcome to the club. Author Powers do kick ass, don't they? Here are  
some initiation dares!_

BSE: You get yaoi. Watch an hour slideshow of yaoi pictures.  
Triss: Get attacked by rabid fangirls.  
BSE: Make a bonfire out of said rabid fangirls, then push the LoZ cast into  
the fire as well.  
Kaepora Gaebora: Bore everybody to death with one of your rambling stories  
that you can accidentally repeat if you mash the A Button too much. (AND  
REPEAT IT NO MATTER WHAT! EVEN IF THEY SAY NO!!)  
Navi and Ruto: Engage in an orgy with BSE.  
Nabooru and Impa: Fight to the death.  
Triss: What can you do aside from making fangirls swoon?

Thank you Kbb for your small list. And also for revie-OH FUCK NO I'M NOT! I AM NOT DOI-*gets grabbed by everyone, strapped to a chair, eyes taped open, and forced to watch an hour-long slideshow of gay porn*

Triss: So, how was it?

*is sitting in the tub, the showerhead spewing cold water* No matter how hard I scrub, I can't stop feeling so dirty…

Triss: And this is why we don't do that to him. Because he's going to need therapy, and once he gets out, he's even more evil. *gets glomped by a thousand rapid fangirls*

Wait, fangirl bonfire? I'm in! *douses fangirls in gasoline, Triss still under than, kicks everyone into the pile, and aims a lit roman candle at it* Ciao, bitches.

Everyone: *burns to a crisp*

*revives everyone but the fangirls* There we go. Oops, I forgot Ruto…*revives said fish-person*

Kaepora: *bores everyone to death*

I'll do it, just one thing first. *poofs navi into a normal sized person, turns ruto into a human* Much better. *pulls both into a closet*

~an hour later~

Navi: *falls out of the closet, naked, and drenched in sweat, and now passed out*

Ruto: *does the same*

*walks out of closet, a small towel wrapped around waist, rest of muscles showing off* God damn, those two know what they're doing.

Everyone: *is staring*

Link: How did you get them to stop talking?

Use your 'head'.

Link: What?...Oh.

Nabooru: Fight to the death with the Sheika? Oh, it's on.

Impa: *shoots up steroids* IMPA ANGRY, IMPA SMAAAAASH!!!! *eats Nabooru*

….That took a lot less time than I expected… Okay…well, onto the next one..

Triss: Well, I'm an assassin. I can do a lot. Like this. *slams hands on the backs of Ingo and Tingle, blood spews out of the front of their chests*

Yeah, I gave him some stuff from assassin's creed. Made him badass. Jesus, are we done already?

Triss: Only three people reviewed, man. We just started.

I know, but shit, I was expecting at least five…

Tingle: *coughs blood* Please review…reviews keep me alive…I don't want to die…

Triss: What Tingle means, is that reviews keep him alive, so that we can kill him again. Seeya next time folks!


	3. Chapter 3

*stretches* God, what day is it…?

Triss: The day you need to get laid.

Link and Ganon: OH, BURN!

*snaps fingers, Link and Ganon explode in a massive splatter of gore, revives them, does it again, and revives them again* Are you going to be quiet?

Link and Ganon: *whimper*

Good. Now, I feel a shitstorm of dares coming…I need my thinking juice! *downs four cups of coffee* Okay, good. Triss, first person please.

_Hehehe, I really gota put my ToD fic up. But for now I will content myself  
with tormenting the LoZ cast in this fanfic as well as KBB's._

Triss: Well, Rajak is bored out of his mind and looking for a good fight  
while he waits for KBB to update, so I guess your assassin skills will be  
entertaining for him. You can find him on my profile. You'll need a lot more  
than Assassin's Creed to save you from his bordom, trust me.

LoZ cast: Rajak's followers, the Mandatum, are pretty bored too. you can find  
them on my profile too.

Tingle: I've been playing WW for the last week, and you're actually useful!  
It's a miracle! Here, this is for you. (hands him an orb cantaining all the  
power of the fairy world)

Toon Link (WW): Remember when you got Aryll out of the Forsaken Fortress?  
Remember Tingle's excuse for not going into the boss fight with you? Steal the  
orb from him and use it to beat that pedophile to death!

Navi, Tatl, and Ciela: Fight to the death to prove once and for all who the  
most annoying-assed fairy in the LoZ series truely is!

Dark Link: You are kick-ass. Beat the crap out of Ganon and Vaati, those  
idiots forgot to pay you!

BSE: Now you will suffer the way KBB did; you will be strapped into the It's  
a Small World ride and forced to sit through it 8 times. OR! You could choose  
to fight ELMO! Either way you cannot use your author powers, or borow another  
author's author powers. Haha.

Well, that about does it. Not bad so far, but it is just starting, so you  
still have plenty of chances to suck. (JK! I'm sure you'll do great! You  
probably won't be beating KBB's, as he is a comedy god, as we all know.)

~Master-of-Omega

Triss: Oh, Rajak wants a fight? Tell him to bring it.

Rajak: *poofs into existence* What was that, mortal?

Triss: I said bring it. Like I'm afraid of a godkiller.

Rajak: You think you can take me? Do you think you can handle my power?

Triss: I know I can.

Link: *munches on popcorn* This is gonna be good… *head explodes*

Triss: *blows at the steam coming off the barrel of his .45 magnum, holsters it* Let's do this.

Rajak: *flings a assload of shuriken at Triss, every single one hitting him, and stabs him in the chest with oversized katana*

Triss: Oh, would you look at that…*melts into black smoke, smoke seeps into a drain beneath Rajak*

Rajak: What sorcery is this?!

This sorcery is called 'Shadow Manipulation'. It's Triss' special ability. Nobody, including himself, knows where he got it, but we all assume it was an ability he acquired from Hades. He can't be killed by normal standards, and can do a lot of things with that ability.

Rajak: What? *turns to his right, sees about fifteen Triss's standing there, acting casual* Oh. Shit.

Triss 1: Hmm? *looks up from filing nails* Oh, it's a puny little boy. *cracks neck, opens right hand, shadows swirl in the palm of his hand, then morph into the form of a longsword. He clamps down on it, the shadows dispel around it, a longsword in his hand, a pure white light glowing off of it*

All the other Triss': *do the same, but with different kinds of weapons*

Rajak:…*O.O*…I actually fear something other than that Aeon bastard…

Triss: You should

Hold up, gotta put on some fight music…*turns on 'Sandstorm (JS16 Mix)*

(one badass fight scene I am too lazy to write later)

Rajak: *left ear is missing, scars litter his face, several crossbow bolts are sticking out of his torso, breathing heavy*

Triss': *only two are left standing, one is jumping up and down, his fists raised in front of his face, metal gauntlets on his hands, the other has a longsword in his hands, both look to be in top shape*

Triss 2: *swings longsword at Rajak, it coming apart into links, and extending like a whip*

Rajak: *barely dodges the strike, reaches into jacket, and pulls out a black crystal* Damnit, I can't win this…

Triss: I figured as much. Gonna run away?

Rajak: *crushes crystal in hands, a black portal appearing behind him* I prefer to think of it as a tactical retreat. *falls backwards into the portal, it closing as soon as he does*

Triss: *one of him dispels, and the smoke is pulled into the other Triss. Falls onto the ground, breathing very heavily* Jesus…I thought I was gonna die…

*is laughing* I told ya, you wouldn't be able to last ten minutes against Rajak.

Triss: The fight…was only six minutes long…and he fled…

So? It still wasn't ten minutes. Besides, I keep telling you to do that damn endurance training.

Triss: I am NOT spending a month with Darunia, godamnit! He'll rape me with his giant rock-penis!

Darunia: *breaks down a wall with his erect rock-penis* Did someone say 'Dance'?!

Everyone: *dies*

*revives everyone, then tosses Darunia into the Death Mountain crater* Well, the darmoainfaoifogijad can stay bored. I wrote too much for fucking Rajak's fight, I'm not writing another.

Tingle: *turns into a fairy* OMFG YAY! HEY LOOK LISTEN HEY LOOK LISTEN! I'M A FAIRY!!!!

T. Link: *dropkicks fairy-Tingle, takes orb, smashes it on Tingle, turning him back into his pedo-priest self*

Tingle: *cries*

Randomosity is very fun. Ain't it Vancier?

Vancier: *a long, black haired woman, a bandana covering her right eye, who is floating upside down around the room, reading a book, lifts her head and looks at me* Very much so. Have we introduced myself, or has this not occurred yet?

Not yet. Everyone, this is Vancier. She's an extension of myself, such as Triss. But where as Triss is the more cocky, arrogant, and sly form of myself, Vancier is the intelligent, cautious, and scholarly form of myself. She also has a linked consciousness between her past, present, and future selves.

Vancier: It is true. Many people will review this story, and many more will flock to it once the Boy of the Keyblade has mentioned us in his story.

Only problem with her all-knowingness, it can change. If she does anything to change the present, anything that her future selves didn't already do, then one of two things will happen. An alternate universe from the one we were set to be in will be created. Or shit will hit the fan. So we don't recommend telling her to do things.

Triss: Yeah. We've had to recreate existence five times, thanks to BSE's gambling addiction.

SHUT UP! Anyways, it's time for a fairy catfight. *human-Navi walks out of my bedroom in a scanty nightgown, yawning*

Navi: What about fairies?

Actually, Navi wins because I seriously had to have Triss and Vancier restrain me after I was done f-ing Navi, otherwise I was going to kill her. The duct tape fell off her mouth.

D. Link: *chops up ganon and Vaati into tiny little pieces and feeds them to Ruto*

*reads dare* I GET TO GO TO DISNEYLAND!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

Triss: MoO, I hate you. I fucking hate you, you fucking cunt. BSE fucking loves Disneyland. Including that damn ride.

IT'S A WORLD OF LAUGHTER, A WORLD OF TEARS! IT'S A WORLD OF HOPES, AND A WORLD OF FEARS!*Triss tackles me, clamping down on my mouth*

Triss: I FUCKING HATE YOU OMEGA!!!!!

(Eight hours, and several thousand rides of "It's a small world" later)

I love Disneyland…

Triss: Can I kill myself?

No. NEXT DARES!

_I'm liking what I see so far on this fic!_

King Harkinian: Did you ever sucessfully find out what was for dinner? And is  
it true that you are the son of The Burger King?

Tingle: Go to a local S&M club and tell then about your desire to become a  
"fairy". I'm sure you'll have a great night...

Malon: This dare is in remembrance of Zelda Mini Madness, a fic that was big  
about a year ago. Start a Hyrulian Fried Cucco at your ranch!

Epona: How the hell could you hear that damn song from all the way across the  
other side of Hyrule?

Kaepora Gaebora: I have always hated you. Is it true that you can kill people  
with your speeches? If so, how come you didn't use it against Ganondorf?

Ganondorf: Do you really think you're a good ruler? Because when you took  
over in Ocarina of Time, Hyrule Castle Town basically became a re-enactment of  
Resident Evil!

Link: Are you still traumatized by memories of those Re-Deads? Either way,  
let's send you into the Left 4 Dead games! Or Dead Rising! Or Nazi Zombies in  
Call of Duty...the author's call!

_-jackattack555_

Jackattack, I love you for posting so few dares.

King H: *is dead because the dinner was cake*

This only proves that the cake is a lie. THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!

Triss: *shoots me with a tranquilizer* This is why we don't let him play Portal anymore.

Tingle: You mean the Party Parlour? I run that joint, bud. Why do you think I have such an obsession with fairies?

O.o…that answers so many questions…

Malon: *gets rich from the fried birdies of yum*

Epona: *using a horse translator* It's like a cellphone, and if I don't come, I get talked at by the owl.

Kaepora: Hoo…And I can kill with my speeches, but I am a pacifist, so I do not like the hurting of people.

Ganondorf: I am not a bad ruler, I was just using Hyrule Market as the studio for Resident Evil: Hyrule. But Link wasn't a very big fan of it, so he killed me.

Link: *is crying* Too many bad memories…

*pets Link's head* It's okay. You want ice-cream to make it all better?

Link: *nods*

TOO BAD! *kicks him into the 'Dead Rising' mall*

Link: I don't like it here…*gets splattered by a reporter with a lawnmower*

*is laughing my ass off and I grab some new clothes to replace the bloody ones, then drops controller as I revive Link* Man, I really like doing this. It's fun. And Author Powers are fucking amazing…*points at a German fighter plane* BANG! *plane explodes in a hellfire of awesome*

Anyways, next review.

_You Wont lt me fight triss, so that technicly means he rejected it which  
means I WIN! Anyways, Have everyone sing __witch doctor__ and everytime someone  
says the __magic words__, something bad happens._

_Oh and Dark gets The big cookie. *Hands him a HUGE cookie*_

_-The torturer_

Yea-no. You just lost the game, buddy. And Triss almost just kicked Rajak's ass, he wins by default because Rajak is almost a god. And I didn't let him fight you because I don't want one of my fans getting their ass splattered all over the walls. NEXT!

Triss: There ain't any left.

We're already done? Sweet. *starts drinking a 2-liter of coke*

Vancier: Oh, and when you review, please do sign them. Vincent here dreadfully hates it when people don't sign their reviews.

Triss: Night everybody. *points at Zelda's head, it exploding*


End file.
